A Day in the Head of Drew Lipsky
by wurdsmythe
Summary: We've all seen Dr. Drakken in action. What a loon. So what goes on in that head of his, anyway? Here's a typical day. Well, maybe it's not quite so typical...
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: This is a very different Drakken and Shego than in my other stories HARSH and WHEN MADNESS COMES. These are closer to the cartoon versions. _

_Oh, and lines that are in all italics are Drakken's thoughts. Regular type is "reality." _

_Enjoy!_

**Part 1: Early Morning**

_...connect the wires like so...hee hee!...tap the little thingies down...come to daddy, you crisp little twenties, you perky little fifties, you lovely little hundreds!...run out the fuse...so long, Middleton Trust and Savings!...okay, a match...grrr, where's a match?...blast, even in a dream I can't find what I need when I need it—_

Briiiiinnnnng!

—_WHAUGH!_

_Whu...? Oh._

Grab. Fling. Smash!

_Stupd alrm cloc, ruinin m'dream...mmnm...snorfle...hmmmmm..._

Rumble.

_...Sh'up..._

Rumble grumble.

_Sh'up!!_

RUMBLE.

_Stupd stomach, ruinin m'beauty sleep...grrr, might as well get up. _Big yawn. _Let's open the curtains and welcome a brand new —_

_Eeeek, that's bright! Why's the sun always so doodlin' bright in the morning? And yet the floor's cold! How can the sun be so big and hot but the floor's like ice? Need my bunny slippers. Where are m'damned bunny slippers?_

_Oh, forget it, I'll just — yeow, the bathroom tile is way colder! Even the light switch is cold! This makes no sense. I live in the Caribbean, for pete's sake. It's not supposed to be cold. Well, a nice hot shower will—_

_Yaaaaaaagh!! Cold again! REALLY coldcoldcoldcoldcoldcold water ouch stop shiver water coldcoldcold—_

_Ahhhhhhhh. Better. Water getting warm. Warmwarmwarm. Mmmmm. Hot. Niiiccceeee... _

_Soap. Where's the soap? Don't drop the soap! Haha! _

_I really need to figure this out. Turn on the hot tap for hot water, get cold. There must be a better way to do this. I mean, it's simple, right? Hot tap, hot water. Yet it always comes out cold at first. Sure, the water needs to warm up, but let's get real here. Humanity has suffered long enough with this antiquated masochistic system. Hmm. I'll solve the problem, and everyone will declare me a genius! Yes!_

_GAH! Soap in eyes, soap in eyes! Owowowowow! Don't rub them, don't rub them—_

_I rubbed them. _

_STUPID!!_

_Ahhhhh. Rinse. Good. I guess I closed my eyes fast enough. Remember next time, don't rub! When will I ever learn that? Grrr._

_Towel. Yes, there we go. Wipewipewipe! Hang it back up. Mirror—_

_Yikes, I look awful. Hair's all over the place. Mr. Finger-In-the-Light-Socket Man. Comb...there we go-Yowch! Knot! Oochie-ouch! Pull it apart, gently now, don't tug.... Much better. Now toothbrush. Toothpaste. Brushbrushbrush! Rinse! Spit! There, all nice and sparkly._

Rumble.

_Oh for pete's sake, I'll get to you, stomach! Mind if I put on some clothes first?_

RUMBLE!

_I said zip it or I'll mind control you so you won't be hungry until I say so! _

_Wait a minute..._

_Would it be possible to mind control a stomach? A stomach doesn't have a mind. Or does it? It sure seems to think, or at least form words: "Feed me!" That's pretty specific. Hmm. If I could control the impulses of people's stomachs, I could keep them from eating. I could demand they make me ruler of the world or they'd all starve to death! Ha! It's brilliant! _

_Or..._

_I could make everyone throw up until they turn the world over to me. Imagine, the entire human populace barfing their brains out, completely at my mercy! Mwahahahaha—_

_Ew. No, forget that. It's disgusting. Stick with the hunger idea._

_Okay, all dressed? Yes, all dressed. Hmm. Hair's still wet. No ponytail yet, it's gotta dry. I'll just have to be Lather-Rise-Obey Guy for awhile. _

_No, don't go there. Do NOT go there. What a failure THAT was. Getting arrested on national TV...talk about embarrassing..._

_All right, I'm ready. Another day, another evil scheme!_

_What the—? The hallway is warm! Why is my room cold when the hallway is warm? I bet Shego's room is warm. Oh yes, it must be warm or she'd have me hanging by my earlobes from a palm tree or something. And the henchmen's quarters must be warm or they'd be whining like a bunch of potty-bottomed babies. So why is my room the only cold one? What's up with this?!_

_Grrr._

_Here we go, down the stairs, round the corner, through the doorway, flip on the light switch— _

_Ah, there you are, my beloved! My one desire! My sweet little coffee maker! Oh, you wonderful child of man's most ingeniousness...ness! Here we go, hot coffee, nice and strong. Such a bracing aroma! Such unbridled strength! Such a scrumpdilliumshus taste! _

Dainty sip. _Ah._ Bigger sip. _Mmmm._ BIG SLURRRP! _Whoa baby, that definitely puts the pedal to the floor!_

_Now let's see, what to make for breakfast. Cereal? Meh. Pancakes? Had pancakes yesterday. Eggs and bacon? I'm supposed to be on a diet. Doggone Shego and her, "You're getting a pooch belly, Dr. D!" I'm an evil genius, not an exercise fanatic. I don't go leaping around kung-fuing good guys every day of the week. Sheesh! Oh, all right, razza frazza, nix the eggs and bacon._

_Grapefruit? _

_Blecch._

"DRAKKEN!!"

_Uh-oh. Shego. An angry Shego. What did I do now?_ "Um...good morning, Shego! Er, did you sleep well?"

"What do you think!"

_Oh god, she's beautiful first thing in the morning with her hair all goofy and her bathrobe on crooked and—her eyes! What happened to her eyes? They're all puffy and red! And her skin! Her perfect skin! She's all wrinkly and she's got..._ "Hives?? Shego, what on earth happened to you?"

"What happened to me? I'll tell you what happened to me! You sent me out last night to jack that stupid Plasmatic Hypertechnic whatever-it-is, and it wasn't guarded by guards! No guards to fight, no safes to crack!"

_Waiting...waiting...okay, I'm confused. She's just glaring at me. Oh doodles, I'm in trouble._ "Sooooo...?"

"Gas, Dr. D! The whole facility was rigged with itching gas! I barely got out before turning into one giant hive! I swear, I would have killed you in your sleep when I got back but I was itching so bad I spent all night in the bathtub!"

_Oh no, she's firing up the plasma!_ "Shego, really, I had no idea, if I did of course I'd never have sent you—"

"I ought to roast you on a spit and feed you to Dementor's giant weiner dogs!!"

_Don't hurt me don't hurt me don't hurt me—_

_What am I saying? I'm being a jerk! I should be assertive! I'm the boss!_ "Now, Shego, I fully researched that facility last week, and I assure you there was no sign of any itchy-gas system—"

"That's because it was installed two days ago! Some kind of new trend in high security! I thought you kept up with tech trends, geek boy!"

"Heh heh." _I'm screwed._

"Right. Fire in the hole!"

"YEEEEEK-I'll-give-you-a-raise!" _WHAT am I saying? I can't say that! I can hardly afford her as it is! _

_But would I rather she fry my ass?_

_Okay, raise it is!_

_Whew. It worked. She's dimmed the plasma. _

"A raise, you say? Fine. A grand a week."

_ACK...feeling faint...chest pains...uhhhh... No, stop that! She's just cowing me again. Am I going to fall for this every single stupid rotten time?!_ "Shego, come on, I'm not made of money—" _Yikes, the plasma's back up! _"Okay okay, a thou a week it is!"

"Deal."

_Great. I'm not dead but now I'm very very poor._

"Oh, and I get the rest of the week off."

"But, Shego—" _Agh, the plasma!_ "The rest of the week off? Yes! Fine! No problem! Enjoy yourself! Heh heh."

"And I want you to make eggs and bacon for breakfast."

"But you told me I can't have eggs and bacon."

"Not for you. For me. You can have the grapefruit."

_Grrr._

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Oh maaaaaan, I'm soooooo late again. I thought I'd get this posted bam-bam-bam, but my job went wild and I've been so busy -- even been working weekends for the last few weeks!_

_I didn't want to post this story until it was all done, but that'll never happen. So I'll post what I wrote a month ago and hope that I can squeeze in enough time to finish._

_Enough blathering. Read and enjoy! Review! Laugh! Do SOMETHING!!_

Part 2: Mid-Morning

_...connect the wires like so...hee hee!...tap the little thingies down..._

"DRAKKEN!!"

_Oh, what now? I'm trying to put the finishing touches on my Prismatic Oscillator of Doom!_ "Yes, Shego? I'm in the lab!"

_And here she comes...yipes, she's angry again!_

_Wait. This is different WHY? Shego's always angry! The puzzle is, how can anyone be so beautiful when they're always angry? Whatever the trick is, she's got it down pat._

"Dr. D, what is it with you and pickle jars?"

_Oh good, she's seen my latest invention._ "I'm glad you asked, Shego. I, Doctor Drakken, am about to make a fortune in the food industry!"

"With what, the world's bulkiest pickle jar opener?"

_She may be the most beautiful creature on the planet, but she completely lacks the spirit of the genius inventor._ "It's called the Dymotronic Screw-Top-Offer, Shego, and don't scoff. Do you have any idea how many people battle with food containers every day? There's already a plethora of container-opening devices on the market to help consumers open their food, but do they work? They do not. My Dymotronic Screw-Top-Offer will solve the problem and I'll make a mint!"

"It's ugly."

"It's a prototype!"

"You need to build an ugly prototype to see if a cheap widget can open a lousy jar?"

"Cheap?! It—you—nyaaargh! Look, Shego, not everyone has your superior physique."

"You can say that again."

"Not everyone has your—"

"I didn't mean it literally!"

_Well, why say it then? Good grief. _"In any case, Shego, my invention will finance the next five years' worth of evil schemes, so there, nyah!"

_Uh-oh. I said a bad thing. What could I have said? She's glaring again!_

"Oh, so now you're actually _planning_ to get your butt whipped by Kim Possible for the next _five_ whole years?"

_And she accuses _me_ of being literal. _"I didn't mean it like that!"

"Then how exactly did you mean it?"

"I—you—that is—it's just—AUGH!" _What is it with her? It's like the whole purpose of her life is to mock me!_ "Shego, what is wrong with planning for the future?"

"Normally nothing, but you seem to be planning for a future full of failure! Why am I even here if you don't believe you'll achieve your goal of world domination?"

_She asks such ridiculous questions sometimes._ "You're here because I pay you."

"Besides that."

_Besides that? I gave her an obscenely high raise this morning! What is she trying to say?_ "You're here because you're evil. Because you like fighting that blasted cheerleader more than you'll admit." _Oh, I'd better not say it...I can't hold it back...I have to say it!_ "You're here because you love to mock me!"

"Don't flatter yourself."

_She sure knows how to deflate a guy._ "Look, Shego, I'm a genius—"

"That's debatable."

"I invent things—"

"That don't work."

"For pete's sake, will you let me speak?!"

"No."

"GAH!" _Wonderful. Now I can't even talk. I hate it when she gets me so angry that I can't form words! How does she do that? I need to just calm down, take a deep breath—_

"So, Mr. Gherkin, what are we having for lunch, anyway?"

"You—but—Shego, we just had breakfast!"

"I'm hungry again. I had a bad night, remember?"

_Ah, so that's it. Revenge. She's going to run me in circles because she got gassed last night. Figures. First it will be food, but she'll think of other ways to torment me. As if last night was my fault! She is so vindictive!_

"I'm thinking crab salad."

"Shego, we don't have any cr..." _Uh-oh, there's that look again._ "I mean...why don't I go buy some?"

"Good idea."

_But I don't want to go to the store! It's so far away, and I'm almost done with my Prismatic Oscillator of Doom! Are all beautiful, smart, sexy, powerful, absolutely perfect women cruel?_ "I suppose you want me to go right now."

"If lunch is going to be on time, yeah, you'd better."

_Yes, they must be cruel. I don't know that as a fact...never had a chance to get to know any other women like her...any other women period *sigh*...but I bet it's true. Oh, why do I put up with this? It drives me crazy! SHE drives me crazy! I deserve respect! It's just not right!!!_ "Fine, I'll go."

"Good. See ya when you get back."

"Well...fine!" _Wallet. Hovercar keys. Might as well bring my iPuck, it's a long flight._

"Oh, and get me some ice cream. Chunky Cherry Swirl."

_Grrr._ "Fine."

"And a big bar of dark chocolate."

_GRRR._ "Fine!"

"And some tampons. The biggest box they have. Make it three. And two boxes of day pads."

"SHEGO!"

"What?"

_That look. She's gonna hurt me._ "Heh heh. Nothing! Nothing at all."

"Hurry back."

"Jawohl, mein damen..."

"What was that?!"

"Nothing!"

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: This little but powerful chapter is dedicated to drivers everywhere. You'll see what I mean._

**Part 3: Late Morning**

_...connect the wires like so...hee hee!...tap the little thingies down..._

_That's where I left off—TWO HOURS ago! No wonder I can't ever get anything done. That woman is the bane of my existence! She's lippy, irritating, demanding, nasty, childish, manipulative, strong, beautiful, sexy, absolutely perfect..._

_Grrr._

_What a nightmare. Walking through a store carrying an armload of those...those...female things! I know when Shego's got PMS. She's worse than usual. And she doesn't have PMS today, she's just being mean. All those snickering people! Grrr. Even the checkout girl snickered. I should have shoved a tampon up her nose. _

Sputter. Cough. Wheeeeze!

_No. Oh please no. The hovercar—_

Thbbbbbbbbb-ssssssspt!

—_is out of gas?_

_I'm in the middle of the ocean! Starting to fall! I'm starting to fall in the middle of the ocean! Turn the key, restart the motor! C'mon, baby, restart! _

Cough! Spew!

_That's it, come on, you can dredge up a little bit more gas from somewhere! Start for daddy, please!_

Cough! Spew! Fffffffftpt.

_No more gas! I'm falling! In the middle of the ocean! I'm fallling in the middle of the ocean!_

_Parachute! Where's the parachute? Wait, I don't have a parachute! I used it last week when I ran out of gas and I forgot to repack it!_

_I really have to keep a better To Do list._

_Wind whistling past my ears! Falling! The ocean's so big! And it's getting closer! Closer! Too close! Waaaay too close! _

_Mommy—!_

TBC


End file.
